whos the real heartbreaker?
by cassilou88
Summary: How will Clare react when she reads Eli's journals that involve the last person you would expect?
1. Chapter 1

Eli and Clare were snuggled up on the couch it had been a long and exhausting few days, what with Fitz coming back and all, but everything was finally beginning to settle down when Clare asked out of the blue

"why do you hate him so much?"

"who?" he asked in return ,having no idea what Clare was talking about as per usual

"Fitz."

"um, Clare, do you not remember him trying to stab me at the school dance?" He knew there was more to the story but Clare would never look at him the same if she found it all out

"of course i remember, but it just seems like it all came so quickly, i mean did something huge happen that i dont know about?"

Eli could feel himself getting nervous but he took a deep breath and let it out like a sigh, he had to lie to Clare, he was in love with her, and he hadn't been this in love in a long time. "it wasn't anything big, it was a lot of little things." he had sadness in his voice that he had meant to mask but didn't do a good job of it, Clare could hear it and right away felt bad for bringing it up

"you're right, im sorry i brought it up."

"dont be sorry, its just, well...it was a scary night, that i dont want to re live that often" he wanted to tell her so bad, I mean she would understand, after Julia died he was, alone, and scared and confused.

"I know."

"Clare I, i have to tell you something, I dont want this to ruin us, but theres a chance it might,"

"dont tell me." she answered after a long timeÉ

"really?" he asked half shocked

"do you want me to know?"

"I really do, Im just scared that you are going to look at me differently."

"there is nothing you can say that will make me see you different then the wonderful amazing person you are."

"Not even that the real reason Fitz and i hate each other is because...um...after julia died, we sort of um..." he couldnt figure out how to say what he had to tell her,

"you what?" she had no anger in her voice just pure curiosity

"we, kinda of, dated." he was barely louder then a whisper at this point

"Ha, Ha very funny Eli." Clare responded. she turned around so her chest was no longer against his back and looked into his eyes expecting see humour, but all she saw was sadness, and what appeared to be loss. "wait, you're, you're serious?" Eli nodded his head before looking up into Clares big blue eyes. "how, I mean when? are you...I thought you liked..."

"After Julia died, i was scared, and lost and confused, and Im not gay Clare, I love you, and you're the one I want to be with, but its true that for a little while I was in a relationship with Mark Fitzgerald, a relationship that didnt end well." Clare just stared at Eli, she had never had a problem with gay people, even if some of her church members did, she wasnt concerned with whether a man wanted to marry, a man, or a woman, but having her boyfriend tell her that he once dated another boy was making her upset, and angry, and without even realizing it she was shaking.

`Clare? clare? are you ok? why are you shaking? do you need water?"

"No im fine, but I need you to tell me everything, like how did you end up...dating...Fitz" clare was still in shock but at the same time she didnt totally believe everything that was going on, she needed details if she was going to believe it, even if those details meant never seeing her Eli the same way again.

"are you sure Clare, i mean, I am perfectly ok with putting it in the past like it never happened"

"did you love him?"

"I thought i did. but I didnt, i was just hiding behind him, becuase I missed julia." somehow knowing that Eli never loved him kind of made her feel slightly better, thought the whole thing weirded her out, she had one more question befor she was ready to hear the entire story,

"Did you, and him, do anything, like, you know, physical?" Eli didnt answer right away, for some reason he couldnt bring himself to admit that yes, he had done physical stuff with him, "eli? yes or no?" he just nodded and kept his eyes the floor. Clare put a reassuring hand on his back and finally said " ok if youre ready to tell me what happened with you and Fitz, then Im ready to hear it." He took a long shakey breath before begining,

"It was about 6 weeks after Julia died when i met fitz for the first time..."


	2. Chapter 2

"It was about 6 weeks after Julia died when I met fitz for the first time. I had seen him before and I knew who he was, He was actually an ex-boyfriend of Julias, and they were still firends, he was at her funeral but I had never talked to him before, We ran into each other at the comic book store, and recognized each other, and for some reason there was an instant connection between us, we started hanging out a lot, reading comic books, watching movies, just normal stuff, and I started realizing that when I was with him, I didnt miss her as much." Eli looked up at Clare to see how she was doing learning all this new information about him, He could tell by her eyes that she was freaked out, but She was trying to play it off and cover it, he suddenly felt guilty, she didnt need to know about Fitz, they had agreed no one ever would. He couldnt bear watching her get upset, and even with everything that had gone on between the, he felt bad for betraying him and telling Clare about them.

"Why did you stop?" She asked suddenly, breaking into his thoughts

"Clare, Ive never told this to anyone, out loud before, and I just, I dont know how to say it, I know that me and him, are in the past but, I promised I wouldnt ever tell anyone about what we were, Do you think maybe I could, Give you the Journal I wrote in, and you could just read that? Then technically I didnt do anything wrong" Clare smiled, No matter what happened between them in the hallway, she liked that he still felt bad for betraying Fitz, even if the relationship they had weirded her out.

"Are you sure though? I mean, your journals are goign to explain how you felt about, everything, not just, what happened," She wanted to read them but she was afraid of seeing that side of him, would she be able to look at him after reading about his thoughts?

"I want you to know, and if you dont feel the same about me after youve read them, Ill understand." she turned her head slowly to look at him, "Dont get me wrong baby, Ill be decastated that I wont get to hold you, and see you smile, and have you love me anymore, But Ill understand if you cant live with my past, infact, I dont expect you too."

"Eli, dont say that,"

"Im just saying whats your thinking Clare." He didnt say it mean at all, just matter of factly, "Please just promise you will be honest with me, If it freaks you out too much and you dont see me as, well, me anymore please tell me, I promise I will do everything in my power to accept it."

"He's part of what made you the you that I fell in love with though, so I dont think thats really necasarry" Eli started to interject but Clare stopped him "But, If for whatever reason it is, I promise to say something." Eli smiled and said

"Ill be right back" Clare could hear him upstairs roaming around in his bedroom, She was hoping that she was putting on a good front, but inside she literally felt sick to her stomach. She wasnt sure Why, It honestly wasnt that Eli had been in a relationship with a guy, she felt oddly ok with that, It wasnt her favourite thing, but it was what it was. She could get past it, She was more concerned with reading all the wonderfull things about Fitz from Elis perspective, what if he liked him more then he liked her. Would she be able to sit through reading how Eli thought he loved him? It finally dawned on her that that was what bothered her most, he thought he loved Julia, but didnt. He thought he loved Fitz, but didnt. Whats to say that he loved her? What if reading how wonderfull Eli found Fitz made her like him even more? They had had a friendship briefly, he was nice, what if this persuaded her even more?

"Ok, here they are?" Eli said about 5 minutes later coming down the stairs.

"They?"

"Yeah, theres 2 of them."

After Eli had given her the journals, they decided that they should just watch a movie for a while and they did the best that they could too seem comfortable but there was tension in the air, Around 9 Eli drove Clare home, After pulling up to her house Eli got out and opened the door for her walking her to her front door like he did everynight, the car ride had been quiet and Clare was worried, even if she was freeking out she needed to make it seem like everything was fine, so she was hoping that they would do their best to get back to normal.

"Well, goodnight," Eli turned to walk away right as they got to the steps of Clares house.

"Wait" Eli turned around then stopping in his tracks and gave Clare a peculiar look, "Thats all the goodbye I get?" Clare did her best puppy dog eyes causing a small giggle from Eli

"I just thought that after everything, you might not want"

"You thought wrong" Clare interuppted him, and quickly grabbed him by the collar of his shirt, and firmly placed her lips over his, It took Eli a second to kiss her back, but when he did he grabbed her waist tightly, pulling them closer togehter, Clare licked his bottom lip clearly wanting their tongues together, and Eli greatfully obliged. They continued there kissing untill they were both panting.

"Wow, that was amazing" Clare finally said breathlessly,

"yeah, well, I just fugured that if that was the last time I got to kiss your perfect lips I better make it worth it" Eli sounded sad.

"It wont be," was all Clare said back.

"Read the journals and then tell me if it will be. ok?" He kissed her head then and wrapped his arms around her in a tight embrace.

"ok" Eli was almost too his car when she called out to him "Hey Eli?"

"Yeah?"

"I love you."

He just smiled and got into Morty and she watched him drive off. If she had to admit it she was scared to read what Eli had written in these journals. She went up to her room, got ready for bed, and climbed in, preparing herself for what she was about to experience. She was taking her sweeet time opening the journal, just as she was about to she heard her phone ringing, its text message ringtone. She opened it and read the message smiling as she did.

_I almost for got to tell you, I love you too. More then anything in my life. Thank you for not running away. you're my world._

_Eli_

She took a deep breath before opening the first Journal,

**June 6th 2009**

**I hung out with Fitz again today...**


	3. Chapter 3

**June 6th 2009**

**I hung out with Fitz again today. Weve been hanging out almost everyday forr the last few weeks, but today was different then it normally was. We were at my house watching a movie, and talking, and he kissed me! I didnt know what to do or say, he just started apologizing alot, and then he left. And I just sat here. I dont even know what happened! one minute we were watching a gorey movie and talking about UFC and next thing i know we were kissing. I didnt know what to do. What do you do when your best friend kisses you? Well it happened one other time but, that was with Julia. This is. Fitz. I just. I cant even think straight. I feel so bad. I literally just froze up. I should be angry, or upset, or grossed out right? But i dont, im just worried about him. I have to talk to him**

**So I messaged him, I just said Please come back over, and about ten minutes later he showed up here. I didnt know what to say to him, I just invited him in and we sat there watching the movie, my stomach had butterflies the entire time, we jsut sat there for about 45 minutes when he just started apologizing again, I told him it was ok, and he said he knew that I didnt like him like that, and that he didnt even know, he felt like that about me, but to be honest Im not sure If i dont like him either, I think. I might have feelings for him. which is so confusing, I loved Julia, she was a she. and he is a he. We talked for a while and I explained all this too him. I dont know why but Im able to open up to him. The last part of our conversation I have memorized, Ive gone over it 100 times since he left.**

**Thanks for coming back over, I felt like a jack ass after you left, i just froze**

**It wasnt your fault I left, i shouldnt have kissed you, it was stupid. I mean, I know you arent,m not even sure If I am.**

**What if...**

**what if what?**

**what if Im not sure If I am either, (i felt so ashamed saying it, and I dont know why, I barely spoke louder then a whisper)**

**You think you might be?**

**I dont know. I mean, when you kissed me I...How can a person tell?**

**I knew right away when i said it that there was only one way to know for sure, I had to test it. I knew I liked fitz, but I wasnt sure In what way, the thought of kissing a guy didnt scare or gross me out, but then again it never had. He didnt even answer me, just looked at me and smiled his little half cocky smile. It felt like we were looking at each other forever before we both leaned in a little and our lips touched. It was weird, not bad, just weird. We only kissed for a second but It was amazing, It felt better then any kiss I had ever had before, we looked at each other again and without saying a word we both knew that this was more then just two guys hanging out, he pressed his lips to mine again and it felt even better then before it was just a simple kiss, our bodies were far away from each other, but I couldnt help to think that I wished they werent.. when we pulled away again i couldnt breathe. It was, different. but good different.**

Clare shut the book then, she knew it was going to be hard to read about Eli and Fitz's past, but if she could barely get through Eli Detailing the first kiss, how was she going to be able to handle, their first date? did the go one dates? what about the first time they were, physical?` she knew she had to keep reading, or else she was goign to be filled with quesitons. forever. she opened the book again, and noticed that Eli seemed to have only wrote about the very important things, the next entry was written

**June 12th 2009**

**I feel terrible, like Im cheating on Julia...**


	4. Chapter 4

**I feel like im cheating on Julia, I just I cant do it anymore, Im ending it with him, as much as I dont want too, i dont have another option, this is going to be one of the hardest things ive had to deal with, Well obviously other then loosing Julia, but hes what keeps me looking up...NO i have to do this, for her...**

**I did it! or at least I tried too, i went over to his house and knocked on his door,I knew what I had to say, **__**i would just tell him the truth, it was too soon, and as much as not being with him was going to hurt, the guilt was going to be worse. but when he opened the door i dont know what happened, there he was in his jeans and grey long sleave shirt, and he smiled at me, a real smile not his normal fake half smile. a genuine smile, and i froze yet again, he asked me if i was ok and i nodded yes and walked in. we sat on the couch and just sat there, he asked what it was i had needed to talk to him about, he looked a little worried, and suddenly i felt guilty all over again,**

**"fitz umm, we need to talk."**

**"oh?"**

**"yes, umm, i dont think we can hang out anymore," I actually felt the tears well up in my eyes, i had no idea how much i felt for him at this point.**

**"are you, breaking up with me? if thats what this even is" **

**"Believe me, I dont want to, I just have to. "**

**I got up to walk away and out of his house untill the words he said sent a shiver down my spine and made me want to throw up, It was like he was ripping my heart out, when all he was doing was asking a question**

**"Its because you're ashamed of me isnt it? of us?"**

**I turned to face him, he was starring at the floor and i got see a tear on his cheek, he quickly wiped it away when he noticed I saw it though**

**"No! of course not! Its more the opposite really", I responded sitting back down next to him on the couch**

**"then tell me why."**

**"Becuase I feel, guilty."**

**"Guilty? for what? we havent actually done anything and its not like either of us have a ...oh." Fitz suddenly realized why I was feeling guilty and stopped.**

**"yeah." **

**"Dude, I know that it hasnt been that long since she got taken away, but I dont think she would be that upset, I know its cliche and corny but she would want you to be happy with whoever you happen to be happy with."I rolled my eyes at his saying adn he noticed ``I saw that, but honestly I know you knew her really well but so did I, and i honestly think that she wouldnt want you to suffer, that was never her style`` he was right, I knew he was right, but I still felt guilty. " Ìf you want, we could keep hanging out and not do anything else, we wont hold hands, I wont kiss you, and we can go back to just being friends, playing video games, watching movies, reading comic books?" I looked down at our hands that had connected at some point during the conversation and back up to his eyes, I knew that there was no way that I would be ok with just being his, friend.**

**"I dont want to just be your friend Mark." I rarely called him by his first name.**

**"I dont want that either Elijah." **

**I smirked at him using my full name, a leaned in and we kissed but it was hungrier, it started off slow, normal, but we both wanted more, he ran his tongue along my bottom lip and I knew what that meant, I slowly opened my mouth feeling his tongue rub gently across mine...**

Clare shut the book quickly, Reading elis personal feeling toward fitz had given her a reaction she wasnt expecting, she expected to be grossed out, or overwhelmed, or both, but what she was feeling was, turned on. she needed some sort of release, she grabbed her phone and quickly texted Eli

_Hi, you come over?_

Clare

In less then 2 minutes she had a respond from Eli which was impressive becuase it was nearly midnight by now,

_Of course, Is everything oki?_

Eli

_Dont worry, everything is fine, i just NEED to see you.;)_

Clare

Within 5 minutes Clare heard Morty coming down the street beside her house, and stop and turn off about a block away, she ran down the stairs to meet him at the door, she opened the door as he was walking across her lawn, she smiled at hte sweet, sensetive, sexy boy as he approached her,

"Hey Cla..."

His words were cut off when she pulled him into her and attacked his lips with her, He didnt hesitate in kissing her back. Pressing his hands into her lower back her snaking her hands into his black hair pulling lightly at the root making him moan in the kiss, Clare smirked and slowly made her way to his jaw line, and down his neck making sure to hit the senstive spot at the base of his ear.

"Clare,"he half moaned "what brought this on, not that im complaining"

Clare stopped what she was doing, how did she explain that what brought on her sudden need for him was reading about his old feelings for his current enemy.

"I was just, reading, and i missed you"

"My journal brought this on?" he asked shocked pulling away too look her in the eyes.

"I guess technically."

"i didnt think you were the type that got turned on by guy on guy" he replied with a slightly devious smirk

"It wasnt the guy on guy, I havent actually gotten to much of that yet, it was the way you write, It made me think of English class, and how we met, and everything that happens wehn we study, and the way you write your feelings like im reading a novel not a journal, It just made me, miss you." She looked into his eyes, blue meeting green, and before she knew it Eli had her pinned against the wall, closing the front door that was still open, his lips on hers, she cluthed onto his shoulders pulling him as close to her as possible, He reached down and picked her up by the back of the thighs wrapping her legs around his waist and pressing his growth into her damp core, she moaned into the kiss as his fingers dug into her thighs. He broke away to breathe and and kissed his way down her neck.

"Eli, my room."

He didnt question her just carried her up the stairs and on to her bed, climbing on top of her, he put all his body weight onto her lower half rocking gently, letting him rub against her once again earing another low moan from clare. He kissed her again, their tongues batteling for dominance. She ran her hands under the hem of his shirt, he knew what that meant, he sat up and pulled it over his head, clare smiled at his body, and he leaned down kissing her again, tugging at the hem of her shirt also, she sat up and he helped her pull it off, noticing she had no bra on underneath,

"Fuck Clare, youre so beautiful" he whispered, he lowered his mouth to her chest, sucking lightly on one of her nipples, his hands played with the top of her Pj shorts, he looked at her asking for permission to go further, she bit her lip and nodded, he knew she knew what biting her lip did to him and he could swear she did it on perpose, he moved to the side of her, biting her bottom lip, he kissed her, and with one hand gropped her breats as the other slid beneath her shorts and cotton underwear, he rubbed a slow circle around her clit, smiling into the kiss as she slightly gasped. she moved her kisses to his neck as he took her by surprise and plunged 2 fingers into her tight wet hole fast.

"Oh god eli!"

He continued to move in and out of her tight hole rubbing her clit with his thumb. Clare moaned and arched her back clean of the mattress as he hit a spot inside of her that sent a jolt threw her.

"Eli, I want you, all of you." she quietly said to him as he continued to please her.

"Are, are you sure?" He was clearly shocked and didnt want this to be a heat of the moment type situation.

"I love you, and thats all that matters. Please Eli?"

He didnt answer just removed his hand and continued kissing her, before slowly removing her shorts and underwear, Clare helped Eli remove his sweat pants and boxers, she watched as he took a condom out of his wallet, she sat up and kissed his shoulder as he put it on, he turned around and kissed her again as they laid down on the bed, she spread her legs for him so he could get situated and comfrotable, they continued kissing for a few moments, Eli used his hand to make sure that she was as ready as she could be,

"Are you really sure?" He asked her again, the last thing he wanted was her to regret anything with him.

"Im ready." She replied with a smile.

"If you need me to stop, please just tell me."

With that they kissed again, and he lined himself up to her entrance, he looked into her blue eyes as he slowly pushed just the tip of himself into her, they kissed while he pushed himself the rest of the way in, stopping when he heard a gasp come from Clare, her nails were digging into his shoulder, and he couldnt help but think of what an ass he was for getting so much pleasure out of her being so tight,

"Its ok Eli, you can move"

He slowly pulled himself almost out of her and entered her again, he continued a slow rhythm, almost agonizingly slow, he wanted to go faster, but he didnt want to hurt clare, the girl he loved.

"Faster, please."

He looked deep into her eyes as he picked his pace up. Clare moaned and sighed, letting Eli know he was doing it right, he could feel himself getting close to his climax, after a few more thrusts he realeased slowing his pace and collapsing on Clares chest. They both breathed heavily. when they both began breathing normally, Eli leaned up and kissed clares forhead, He ran to the bathroom, to dispose of his condom and she bluhsed a little at his naked body, it was the first time she had ever, seen him fully naked. Eli climbed back in the bed and kissed her nose before rolling off of her and on too his side pulling her into him. He kissed her cheek and finally spoke.

"Are you ok?"

"Im perfect" she whispered too him.

"Yes you are, But I mean, did it, hurt?"

She giggled slightly at how concerned he was for her, "Yes it did, but im ok."

"good. I dont ever want to hurt you." She turned to him and kissed his lips. "So, What part of the journals are you at? or were you not able to read them?"

"They arent the easiest thing to read, Its hard to read your feelings about"

"Another guy, I know." He sighed and laid his head on her hair.

"No, not another guy, just, your feelings toward another person."

"How come it doesnt bother you?"

"that it was with a guy? I dont know it just doesnt, but to answer your original question im at the part when you felt the need to break up with him, shortly after you started seeing each other."

"oh, yeah, I remember that." He sounded both sarcastic and a little sad.

"Do you want to read it with me?" She wasnt sure If now would be the best time to do that, They had just made love for the first time, maybe reading about the love he felt for other poeple was a bad idea now.

"Tomorrow? I really just want to lay with my beautiful grilfriend, whome I just had amazing sex with for the first time, and talk to her, kiss her, be with her." He kissed he temple and pulled her tighter to him.

"sounds good to me."


End file.
